Personal History - Show Me The...Fulfillment!

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Ballerina

The earliest profession I can ever remember wanting to involve myself in was, of course, ballet. What little girl doesn't? I grew up watching the Nutcracker with Mikhail Baryshnikov and running around my house imitating Gelsey Kirkland at Christmas.

I didn't know until my mother somehow managed to get me into ballet class (at age 8 or 9 - much too old for professional training) how very crushing and boring the practice really was, plus the rotten feet, plus the intense financial dependency and political environment professional dancers live in, all of which were very wrong for me as a person.

So that idea died out, as soon as I realized I would have to give up watching the Dukes of Hazzard to continue classes, my choice was made. Walked away and (hardly ever) looked back.


Phone Operator

This was my second choice, made around second grade or so. I never lived during the era of phones you could pick up and there was a person there, but we had rotary phones when I was a kid, and you could dial '0' and get an operator who would help you find a phone number.

I wanted to be the person on the other end of the phone.

This ambition I actually did reach (in some respects) when I graduated from high school and got my first job as a receptionist. I learned that I like having the freedom to get up and go to the bathroom whenever I wanted, instead of being tied to a telephone all day long. So that ambition didn't work out too well.

Even if I HAD become a phone operator, who ever calls the operator anymore?

Gymnast

This was close to ballerina. I also grew up in the era of Nadia Comeneci and Olga Korbut, and I dreamed of Bela Karoly discovering me and training me into a fierce little gymnastics machine.

Fast forward decades later, where now Bela Karoly and his wife are just inches away in association from the doctor that molested all those gymnasts for 20 years, and yeah...pretty happy that one never happened.

Actress

This one seemed doable, and it was the first thing I found I could do well, other than writing. I did well in high school, and took off for New York as soon as I was able (i.e. right after high school)


In New York, I learned just how many people had the same idea I had, who were waiting tables while waiting for their next big audition (something I was also particularly unsuitable at doing...I left my one and only waitress job after one day...count 'em...one).

I enjoyed acting, somewhat. Gradually I noticed that the roles available to me...well, sucked. I wasn't cute or small enough to be the ingenue, so I ended up in mom and best friend roles. No one ever kissed the mom, or the best friend.

Also, the intense feelings I felt out on stage weren't due to excitement, but to revulsion at the thought of a bunch of strangers staring at me being awkward.

So that's no problem...go into film acting, right? No one's staring at you, right?

Wrong. The camera is staring. The crew is staring. And the camera didn't love me. It made me look like an animated Picasso painting.

Eventually, sadly, I waved goodbye to acting. My last role was with my husband, in a local community theater production of something I can't even remember now, only months before my first child was born. And that was the end of that.


Anything That Made Money/Business Owner

I got fairly desperate when my children started coming. I wanted to be home with them so much, but because of our education level and our situation, we were underemployed most of the time, and I didn't have the choice to stay home.

That was...until, my employer offered me a home connection to keep doing my current job from home.

This was in 1995, when a few people talked about the possibility of it, but I didn't know anyone personally who did it. But I was determined, and somehow we made it work for seven years.

And then 9/11 happened.

Actually, even if Osama Bin Laden hadn't come along, I couldn't have continued much longer anyway. Working full-time with three small babies was destroying me. Our jobs dried up and we were both again homeless with four small babies. A scary time.

We moved to a more affordable area, and both of us tried to make it work. I tried all sorts of part-time jobs and businesses, none of which really worked for our situation. I knew I needed to go back to school, and we did eventually get some schooling, but only just enough for us both to find work that barely covered our necessities.

The only thing I know for sure is that following money for money's sake has always been a mistake for me. I can only do it for so long. It's not sustainable. In order to make a living, I have to either do something I'm good at, or (preferably) something I love. I got good at a lot of things, but finding the love is harder.


Writer 

The only job I ever enjoyed that also suited my skills and temperament was writing. I've written in journals and letters and various other places since age eight. Won my first contest at 10. Had teachers tell me I was talented and I could do something with this...but what?

I did write part-time online for many, many years, and that income helped us tremendously. Loved it. However, I couldn't ever seem to make a living at it.

It's my last dream, really - to find a way to write for a living. Still working on that one, so we'll see how that goes.