Honestly, I try not to give advice.
Unsolicited advice.
The advice I give comes from the wisdom of a long-lived life, lived from a place of the most integrity I could manage, and I would love it if people would take my advice and value it for the gem I'm handing them.
More often than not, my advice is dropped on the ground like a bedraggled piece of toilet paper, that gets dragged around by someone's shoe without their ever knowing about it.
I hate that.
So I try not to give advice...even when someone says something where my advice would perfectly help them.
It often won't.
Advice without motivation to act on the advice is inert and useless.
So I would leave the advice-giving to my hubby. He loves to give advice, and he would dump everything he knows on the said child or grandchild (bless their hearts, they do try to listen, but it's just sooooooo much....)
And then they would come running to me for relief, and I would hug them and tell them I love them, and what do they need from me?
That's all.
And that's another reason I'm writing all this, you know. So that, when the time comes that need and motivation coincide, my future descendants can look up everything I learned and benefit from it at the right time and place.
Questions are much more useful and helpful, I find.
If I ask a question, the person opens up like a faucet and does all the hard work of thinking things through all by themselves.
Then I listen and nod, and look for another question.
Introverts use questions like well-placed sticks of dynamite. A question placed in just the right place can open up whole areas of exploration and discovery, for both parties.
Giving advice just filled holes that are already full with other ideas and conceptions, and the advice runs over the top and down the drain, wasted.
Someone getting married is full and overflowing with stuff, and I wouldn't do that to them at that point. Really, it's too late then, and the wrong time.
So I give hugs, and I offer to help. And I shut my mouth.
Unless they want advice, of course.
If a solicitous child or grandchild wanted my advice on their wedding day, this is what I would say -
*Marriage is the hardest thing you will ever attempt. If you manage to do it well, it will provide you with incredible satisfaction 20 years from now. If things don't go well, you will gain all sorts of wisdom, and the opportunity to remake yourself over as a better person. There's really no way to lose out.
*Trying to finish a fight before you go to bed is misguided advice. Get a snack. Get some sleep. Most fights may dissolve all by itself if you just do those two things.
*Marriage has rules - and the rules were set by God. If both parties play by the rules, everything goes like it should and everyone has fun. If someone cheats and isn't sorry about it, the other party would be well within their rights to pick up their ball and go home.
*Ask God for advice. I'll give you my perspective if you want it, but His is always better than mine.
*Your spouse is incapable of 'making you happy'. Make yourself healthy, abundant, and happy. It's not selfish...it lifts a great burden off other people, and teaches them how to do it themselves. Parent yourselves now. That's what responsible adults do.
*You are now a 'we', and no longer an 'I'. Everything you do impacts others in a very profound way for generations to come. No pressure.
*Date. Every week. For the rest of your lives. Four hours a week is ideal, but make it as long as you can spare. Make those love deposits every week, and your love for each other will grow and flourish. If you don't, you'll eventually become roommates instead of lovers.
*You are more evil than you know. Work daily to be as nice as you can to the people closest to you. They're supposed to keep forgiving you even when you do bad things, but they're more evil than they (or you) know as well. Don't trust them to forgive you well, or forever, but keep forgiving them. Sounds hard? Remember advice snippet #1.
*Your children will be more than just your children. They're also my grandchildren. I love them with a mama-bear love already, and they're not even born yet. Take good care of my grandchildren, or I will surely hear about it.
*Therapy is a wonderful thing. Get it, if you need it. Get it if you're not sure you need it. But don't make your therapist guess what the problem is...no therapist is that smart. Go to therapy for a specific problem, and then finish therapy when the problem is handled. And then go back for the next problem when it arises. Trusted parents and friends or coaches can help identify the problems. Just ask them. They're not telling you, because you're not asking...
*Nobody knows anything, ever. Not even me. Not even you (especially not you). No one, except God. Keep Him close at all times, and you'll do fine. If you won't, I will...and then you'll get lots of unsolicited advice from me, which you don't really want, now do you?
:-)
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