I thought about my father.
When he passed away, I felt so angry at him. I ranted in my journal, so that he and God and everyone would see and know what he did to me, and what he lost out on as a result.
I needed to do that at the time. Slept like a baby that night.
However, since then, I've had many experiences that let me know my father is a changed man.
Physical Barriers that Hamper Us
My father grew up experiencing poverty at a level I've never known. His father before him experienced Depression-era poverty, and was marked from it in ways he never escaped. Ways he didn't even realize, and that I never knew until very recently. His physical growth was hampered by lack of nutrition as a child. He kept his son (my dad) out of college, by saying they could never afford it, so he couldn't go - not knowing about programs that he could have used.
There were other things wrong with my dad, that can't be pinpointed. They're lost to history, but I have only guesses.
It's my guess he was autistic to some degree. He strongly showed signs of bipolar depression and Asperger's Syndrome, and the Aspberger's he passed on to me. Neither condition was ever recognized or treated in his lifetime.
And this was the man that raised me.
Needless to say, we had some communication challenges. Those challenges were never surmounted in mortality.
Forgiveness is for Me
I don't feel bad about that now though.
Through experiences I've had since his death (too sacred to share here), I know that he's still there, and still watching over our family, past and present. I know he loves me, and he feels bad about the mistakes he made during his lifetime, and he would give anything to take them back.
Just like I pray for people here, he's up there, praying for me. I know for a fact, one of his prayers for me was answered this last Christmas. I wish I could tell you how.
It was beautiful.
How can I not forgive someone like that?
Having to forgive pure evil - I don't know how to do that. My father wasn't that, and I'm grateful.
But I can forgive him his mortal foibles, of which there were many.
And that's okay. I'm no Penny Perfection either.
I'm grateful for what he did give me, and for what he continues to give me, even after death.
Forgiveness is a long road, but there's lots of help to be found along that path.
