A New Year to Forgive

Today I read in the scriptures about forgiveness - Matthew 6:14-15, and Matthew 18:21-35.

I thought about my father.

When he passed away, I felt so angry at him. I ranted in my journal, so that he and God and everyone would see and know what he did to me, and what he lost out on as a result.

I needed to do that at the time. Slept like a baby that night.

However, since then, I've had many experiences that let me know my father is a changed man.

Physical Barriers that Hamper Us

My father grew up experiencing poverty at a level I've never known. His father before him experienced Depression-era poverty, and was marked from it in ways he never escaped. Ways he didn't even realize, and that I never knew until very recently. His physical growth was hampered by lack of nutrition as a child. He kept his son (my dad) out of college, by saying they could never afford it, so he couldn't go - not knowing about programs that he could have used.

There were other things wrong with my dad, that can't be pinpointed. They're lost to history, but I have only guesses.

It's my guess he was autistic to some degree. He strongly showed signs of bipolar depression and Asperger's Syndrome, and the Aspberger's he passed on to me. Neither condition was ever recognized or treated in his lifetime.

And this was the man that raised me.

Needless to say, we had some communication challenges. Those challenges were never surmounted in mortality.

Forgiveness is for Me

I don't feel bad about that now though.

Through experiences I've had since his death (too sacred to share here), I know that he's still there, and still watching over our family, past and present. I know he loves me, and he feels bad about the mistakes he made during his lifetime, and he would give anything to take them back.

Just like I pray for people here, he's up there, praying for me. I know for a fact, one of his prayers for me was answered this last Christmas. I wish I could tell you how.

It was beautiful.

How can I not forgive someone like that?

Having to forgive pure evil - I don't know how to do that. My father wasn't that, and I'm grateful.

But I can forgive him his mortal foibles, of which there were many.

And that's okay. I'm no Penny Perfection either.

I'm grateful for what he did give me, and for what he continues to give me, even after death.

Forgiveness is a long road, but there's lots of help to be found along that path.

Pop Quizlet!

I set a goal for eight lessons at Khan Academy today, but it turns out that my brain works about three lesson and three mastery sessions an hour.

I did four, just to feel like an overachiever. A little bit.

Which means that I'll probably go up one percentage point every couple of days towards my goal, if I can keep that up. An hour a day works pretty good with my schedule, so it should be doable.

Also made a little bit of a re-discovery. Something I already knew, but it was nice.

The next two chapters of the book I'm reading include a lot of vocabulary that will come in handy on the CISSP, which is the gold-standard certification for cybersecurity at the moment. So I will be needing those words someday.

I didn't want to just read the chapter and let it all fall out of my head, so I thought, "Hey, why not get some 3x5s and use them for studying?"

Then I thought again, and decided that it's time for something a little higher-tech than that. If I'm going into computer science, I'll need to get friendly with computer tools anyway - why not online 3x5 cards.

I went to quizlet.com.

I'd used them before, when I was studying for the A+ certification I never got, because it bored me to death, but they're all upgraded now, and nicer. Transferred the vocabulary into the computer and voila!

Lots of flash cards I can run through periodically when those words threaten to fall back out of my ears. Maybe I'll remember them a little longer.

For those non-math-minded, this website's also good for making goals, or affirmations, or for studying any subject, really. Just a handy learning tip for anyone else who might need it.

A Little More Failure...

"A little more persistence,  a little more effort,  and what seemed hopeless failure  may turn to glorious success."  - Elbert Hubbard I figured out this Labor Day Weekend that, if I study three lessons at Khan Academy a day, and engage in three mastery practice sessions, I should have most, if not all, the math classes at Khan Academy mastered within a year from now.  Could it really be possible to do this in baby steps like this? To completely retrain my brain? It seems like such a small effort - small from the outside, but herculean from within my mind. I'm going after something that felt impossible just a few years ago. I tell you though...it is getting more fun as I go along. Not the math itself...that's still work at this point. But it's fun to learn something I didn't know before. It's really fun to have those 'AHA!' moments, when something I'm struggling with suddenly makes sense. Still waiting for that to happen with rate problems, but polynomials was no problem whatsoever this weekend. It's all coming back. As far as computers go, I'm still approach-avoidance in actually getting my hands on the hardware and software itself. Have to stop being afraid to break things and take things apart. But I'm hoping, once I'm more versed on the mathematics underneath it all, then I can work on the fear of breaking things.

I Am the Very Model of... Or, Discovering Hidden Math References

Today I learned about right angles and the Pythagorean Theorem. Or rather, re-learned it for the first time.

I loved the Pythagorean Theorum as a young girl, as soon as I heard the name. Named for Pythagorus, who I actually found books on and read about.

I could even recite the theorum - A squared plus B squared = C squared.

But I didn't really understand how to use it in practice. That was geometry, and ever since high school, I've had a fear block on anything that had to do with measuring shapes.

My geometry teacher was...well, weird. He wasn't a person a young person found themselves wanting to talk to, because he would stare at you, or through you, when you tried to talk to him. And then he would say something that I didn't understand at all in a very impatient tone of voice, and I would then be afraid to ask any follow-up questions, and then sit down with a sinking feeling in my stomach, knowing that I was about to be tested on this.

Most people who don't understand math as a kid have a sort of break like this somewhere, I've found. A teacher relationship gone wrong, or just not comfortable enough to ask questions, or maybe hungry or tired because of a bad family situation. It could be any number of things. That was my break.

After that 'C' in the geometry class (I never failed a class in high school, but I came close sometimes), I never wanted to feel that sinking feeling in my stomach ever again. I had one more math class after that - Algebra II/Trigonometry with a big guy with gray hair as my teacher. Again, a very gruff treatment of us as students, and I really don't remember how well I did (or much of that class really - must have blocked it out), but somehow I graduated high school, very unprepared mathematically-speaking.

So I'm watching the Khan Academy videos on the Pythagorean Theorem, alternating between boredom and terrible high school flashbacks of my geometry class, when he says a word I recognize...

Hypotenuse.

The hypotenuse is the line directly opposite the right angle of a right-angle triangle. Which sparked a more pleasant association for me...one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite movie musicals of all time.

The Pirates of Penzance is a story about pirates, and Frederick the pirate has left the band and wants to become respectable and marry the Major-General's daughter Mabel. So the other pirates sweep in to marry off all his other daughters (he has a LOT of daughters), but then the Major-General shows up to stop them...by singing this sort of bragging, patter-song about all the things he knows, including 'many cheerful facts about the square of the the hypotenuse'.

I couldn't believe it! A math reference in one of my favorites shows, and I'd never noticed! It was hiding in plain sight.

Out of curiosity, I listened to the song again, and there was more that I missed!

He sings about 'integral and differential calculus' (not the easiest word to rhyme - Gilbert and Sullivan managed to do it with 'beings animalculus', which I thought was made up, but is actually a real scientific term for tiny animals) and 'equations, both the simple and quadratical' and 'binomial theorem'. I knew these words! My son last year was telling me about integral and differential calculus! I still don't know what it is, but it's a real thing! And someday I will know! Maybe this year!

Not only is my math studies enriching my life and future job prospects in general, but it's bringing out aspects of other parts of life I've loved, but never fully understood before. Amazing!

Where to Start Learning About Computers...?

So, how to change your entire mindset and make oneself into a computer expert at midlife?

There's no Google answer for this.

I know. I've looked. Over and over again...this is always what I find...simplistic answers that help me little to none at all.

My boss asked me to work a formula in an Excel spreadsheet today. Looked easy enough, but I bombed. The formula worked backwards when it worked at all, so that's where I'm at right now...basic Excel formulas.

It would be easy to get discouraged. But I don't do easy anymore. The easy ship sailed.

MATH

My biggest hurdle to getting into computers, bar none, is my lack of understanding about math, particularly calculus. My oldest boy took it a couple of years ago, and it was like he spoke a different language of differentials and derivatives and unit vectors. And then even he said it was hard.

There's a whole world I'm locked out of, just because I don't speak math. I can see it, over the hill over there, and it's supposed to be beautiful, but there's no concept of that in my head yet. Just from what I've heard others say.

I've watched and worked over 44% of the Khan Academy curriculum in math about a year ago, but then I got stuck and stopped. Time to pick it back up again.

I also tried the Pomodoro technique today - turning off all distractions and just focusing on work for 25 minutes, and then following up with a reward.

I did pretty good - remembered more at Khan Academy than I thought I would, which was good.  I opened a couple of new lessons, and did lots of review of older lessons that I actually remembered.

According to my percentages, I'm about halfway through seventh-grade math, verging on trigonometry...which is about the same place I was at when I left public school.

I've mastered (maybe) about 667 skills, but there's still 826 skills to start...

All About Learning How to Learn - First Steps of a Journey

Lately I've been thinking about a big problem I've had most of my adult life.

I have a great passion for reading and writing - so much so that I thought about the idea of doing this for a living.

Then I went through ten years of poverty trying to do that. It wasn't fun, or even romantic. The writer in the garret, scratching out something brilliant while starving, is a lie.

Not only that, but I started to see how the idea of the freelance lifestyle didn't really fit with my lifestyle or the person I wanted to become.

I started to get this crazy idea that I should learn more about math and science.

At first, I told myself it was because I could become a great science fiction writer like Isaac Asimov, who was, in fact, a real scientist. I love science fiction more than any other genre.

Then I thought to myself, how on earth did Isaac Asimov, prolific writer that he was, actually EARN a living?

As a teacher and a scientist. Specifically, a professor of biochemistry at Boston University.

What???

So finally, I thought to myself, what could I do for a living that would play into my current work (I clean up and maintain data on the computer), as well as make a great living, and maybe even allow me some time to work from home or write?

Did a lot of searching, for a long time. It's only when the seeker starts asking the right questions that the answer finally appears, and I think I might have found my answer:

Cybersecurity.

Now granted, I am currently 48 years old, embarking on the quest to become an ethical hacker and cyber warrior for a living, when I need my kids' help to work my own TV. A road which will not only require a lot of math and science, but a master's degree and certifications. I currently have an associates degree in liberal arts, and I got a hard-earned 'B' in one business math class in college, about 7 years ago now. This is a pretty big change.

I feel like Mr. Anchovy the chartered accountant:

I probably have no business even trying to do this. I may not even live to see the end of this road. But it's a pretty exciting-sounding road, and I'm gonna walk it.

Right now, this is a vision for myself. This is the mountain.

If I happen to write some science fiction thrillers along the way, awesome. But the creative spirit doesn't survive in Dust Bowl conditions...at least, not in my heart and mind. I've already taken that route, and I already know it sucks. Not going back there again.

I'm putting my life into the hands of the good people at Coursera, with their course on 'Learning How to Learn'. That's really my interest more than anything - learning. And I want to learn how to learn really well, even at my age. If I can learn math and science, I can learn anything. This blog is going to document my journey from here to cyber warrior.

So, here we go. First steps are a Microsoft Certification and picking up all the math classes at Khan Academy...

Personal History - This is the Last of my Favorite Things... :-)

I know, you can't wait! Here they are. :-)

Favorite Season?

Fall, followed by spring as a close second. I'm a very moderate to slightly cold weather person. If I could have Hawaii weather follow me around wherever I was, I'd be the happiest person.


Least favorite season?

Summer. In August. Like, exactly right now as I'm writing this.

But grateful for my highly refrigerated office, and the knowledge that the weather's only going to get better from here on out.

Favorite Singer?

Out of all singers, male or female, I would have to say...Tarkan. He's a pop star from Turkey, and I really like his work. His album 'Karma' which came out when my kids were little, was one of the inspirations that got me writing my novel.

Also, Josh Groban is a close second (I discovered them both at the exact same time, in the bookstore in 2001, on a date with hubby), but not quite as...shall we say...muscular? He's more for my mellow moods - his album 'Closer' is still my all-time favorite of his.

I can't always watch the videos Tarkan puts out, but I love his songs and his voice. Both of them, really. I just like to listen. Together, they're my Elvis.

Least favorite singer? 

This guy.

I cannot explain him. He has to be experienced in order for you to understand. Maybe it's better near the end; I don't know. I've never been able to get past the lizard-like tongue-flicking part...

Favorite Song?

Today? It changes quite frequently. Today, this moment, it's this:

Least favorite song?

Again, shifts quite often. Actually, it doesn't. All-time worst song ever, probably forever:

Favorite Sport?

I used to really love competitive ice-skating (watching it, that is.) Can't skate well enough to stay standing long.

Now, I love martial arts - I loved practicing it, when I did. When it's really well done, it's more of an art form than a sport though, at least the way I enjoy it.

Can I say dodgeball?

Least favorite sport?

Football. Cannot get into anything about it. Can't talk about it with any sort of semblance of understanding at office parties. Forever an outsider on that one.

Favorite Style of Music?

I love a lot of different genres. I guess pop and folk overall, with a little bit of rock thrown in, depending on my mood.

I actually don't listen to a lot of American pop music anymore - ever since Paul Simon's 'Graceland' album, I've been mostly going to other countries for their pop music, which was how I found Tarkan, and that weird Russian guy mentioned earlier (Sweden and Norway have some equally weird stuff), and Bollywood music, and Kpop and rock and African music. If you only listen to American pop music, I say you are missing out big time. So much good stuff out there.

Least favorite style of music?

Country music. Hands down.

Favorite Tree?

Those big sweeping moss-covered trees they have down in Florida and in the swamps. The ones with branches that grow out to touch the ground, that you can just walk into if you want to climb them.

Least favorite tree?

Hackberry - they're cheap junk trees. They automatically fall down after a certain point and make a mess.

When we moved into our current house, we had this huge hackberry tree in our yard - must have been 30-50 feet tall. Glorious.

One month and one microburst wind storm later, we had a hefalacious mess to clean up in our backyard, and our neighbor's yard. I'm just glad it didn't fall on our brand-new house we were just paying for.

Favorite TV Program?

Right now, it's Poldark. Cannot wait for the next season!

Least favorite TV program?

Supergirl. That show is so, so incredibly grating. Maybe it's just the DC universe - they can't seem to get their act together and make decent programming (Wonder Woman being the notable exception).

Favorite Vegetable?

Onion. I think I eat it in almost everything I cook.

Least favorite vegetable?

Leeks. Too hard to clean.